When I was a little girl
You cherished me,
We baked and sewed and picked flowers.
You were so full of life
With your curly hair and your rosy cheeks
And that sweet smell of lavender and biscuits.
You wowed me with stories of when you were young,
You let me eat far too many sweets,
Let me stay up late when I stayed over,
You lavished me with love and attention...
You were my perfect Grandma.
Now here you lie
In your hospital bed,
A tiny, fragile shell
Toothless, mindless, lifeless,
A shadow of your former self
Waiting for death to finally take you..
You're still my perfect Grandma,
And in my heart you always will be.
I know I said I probably wouldn't be posting here anymore, but I wanted to share this dedication to my grandma. I wrote this after visiting her at the nursing home...she died shortly afterwards.
You took from me
What I thought would always be mine,
The one thing you should never have.
You invaded my heart
And haunted my mind,
Helping me to reinvent my future.
I never wanted anything
And that's exactly what you gave me,
I'd be lying if I claimed i'd expected anything more,
You always lived up to my expectations
By constantly disappointing me.
You took my dreams,
But i'll never forget...
I'd never want to
Something died today,
It'd been hanging on for a while
Waiting for a reason to live
Waiting for a sign for it to spring back to life.
But today it gave up,
Realising there was no point...
Things come to an end.
R.I.P my hope.
In the short time I was with you
You brought me so much pain,
You made me feel so worthless
I thought I'd never be happy again,
But you pushed me to my limits
Self preservation took a hold,
I knew that if I stayed with you
I'd be dead before I was old,
The bruises healed years ago
But the fear remained the same,
I'd tremble if I saw you
I'd shake if I heard your name,
The evil bitch inside me..
In a place I keep well hid,
Wanted to punish you and make you pay
For all those cruel things you did,
But now you're paying for it tenfold
You're a bitter and twisted man,
And the best punishment I can give you
Is to be as happy as I can.
Everything seems empty
My life feels sad and blue,
Even the sky is black and grey
And...great! It's raining too.
Then you come into the room
And rain sunshine kisses on my face,
Your laughter warms my heart
And it all falls into place.
You're the meaning of my life
Full of so many joys,
With your unconditional love
You 2, my beautiful boys.
I am weak
And through my weakness I crave acceptance,
I am shameless and wanton
And I desire fulfillment.
This self assured exterior
Is a mask I wear through fear
To hide my sins..
The mistakes I've made beyond my wildest nightmares.
But I'm not shrouded in mystery
I'm not hungry for pain
I'm not entirely selfless
I'm just me..
And everything I am,
Is no better
Sorry for having an opinion
And for caring what you think,
Sorry for letting what you say hurt me
And for the depths to which you sink,
Sorry for ever trusting you
And for believing that you cared,
Sorry that this is goodbye
And for the days we never shared.
The fear builds up inside me
As the tears well up in my eyes.
Angry frustration threatens to destroy me
And I wonder...how long, this time?
In my cold and empty bed,
Laying in the darkness
Staring out at nothing,
The desolation and futility pierce my being
As painfully as a knife.
I have my dreams, my aspirations
But in this state of mind
They're as useless as I feel.
I don't want to wallow in self pity,
And I would never ask for yours.
So I lie here in my darkness
Looking for answers,
Not even knowing the questions,
And eventually i'll drift off,
From one level of consciousness into another,
From one nightmare state into another,
From one day into....
Living A Lie
I woke up this morning
With a hole in my life
And an ache in my heart.
Guilt is my constant enemy,
Preying on my mind
Finding new ways to torment me
To make me feel unworthy.
What i'm doing's wrong
..I know that..
But i'm making three people happy
And both of them,
But i'm always lonely
I always miss one of them
I always love both of them
And i'm always betraying all of us.
The say the truth hurts,
Not so, not always.
Not telling the truth,
Not being able to tell the truth
Is hurting me beyond belief
I look at you incredulously,
Wiping blood from my lip.
What do you mean you love me!
I accept your apology gracefully
Not wanting to 'spoil' the moment.
I feel like a piece of paper....
You crumpled me with one hand.
In my tightly clenched fist
I hold a million grains of sand,
Each one completely different to the others.
Slowly, one by one, they start to fall through my fingers,
Slipping away like passing moments,
Gone from me, but always somewhere.
The complete injustice of a life so unfair
Drags me down deeper into despair,
Things that were never meant to be,
Things I can't blame on anyone but me,
Foolish vanity, unspoken pride
Now cut me deeper and painfully inside,
Yesterday I had everything
Today I have nothing.